Saturday, 22 May 2010

The Language of Love and Black-and-Whites

I love old black-and-white photos. I have a stash of them, salvaged from an old filing cabinet in my mum's house. Some of them go back 50 years or more and the images are still so clear and well-defined, unlike early colour photographs of the mid-seventies. Somehow the memories that the black-and-whites evoke are also clearer, each event played back as if it took place not that very long ago.

One picture I love though is one I have absolutely no memory of, and I'm absolutely sure I wasn't even born when it was taken. It's of my mum and dad presumably a few years into their marriage

Since in those days only special events warranted a photo-shoot, I guess this was taken to commemorate some upcoming challenges that they had to face. To me what shows out in this picture mainly is their air of quiet confidence. And the love and togetherness. In fact they were together through thick and thin... and nine children, until dad passed away a year shy of their 50th wedding anniversary.

Is there a secret to the strength of marriages of old - the weddings would most often have been between very young ladies not out of their teens with young men barely out of them. Or was it that they understood better the language of love, as the Sheikh who wrote the article below puts it.

Anyway, thought I'd share the piece.

Salaam Alaikum!
Love has many languages. By this, we mean that there are different ways that people express love and recognize it. Many times, the way that a person expresses love is not the same way that their partner wants to hear it.

Imagine, if you will, two people who are speaking different languages to one another – say, Chinese and Swahili. Even though one of them might be saying ‘I love you’ in her language, the other person simply has no clue that this is a message of love. They are not communicating in the same wavelength.
Many times, a person feels unloved by his or her spouse because the expected language to hear that love never materializes. Yet, if the spouse were asked about his or her feelings, it would become clear that true love does actually exist. It’s just a matter of not communicating the feeling of love properly to the other party.

For example, some people express their love by wanting to spend quality time with their beloved. This is generally more common amongst women. If a wife does not get to spend quality time with her husband, she might feel unloved, even if he is showing his love to her in other ways (by spending his money on her, for example). On the other hand, other people express love by physical acts, such as kissing and sexual activity. This is more common amongst men. When a man regularly approaches his wife, he is showing that he loves her. Yet, the wife is not ‘hearing’ this love because in her vocabulary, love must be expressed in a different language – that of time. Unless and until she sees this aspect, she will find it difficult to understand that her husband loves her.

Another language of love is helping the one whom you love. A wife might show her love for her husband by taking care of his daily needs and household chores. But it is possible that the husband does not hear this love, because he is not tuned into this language! Rather, he might be expecting it in different ways. Therefore, all of the acts of devotion and dedication that the wife shows to her husband are simply ‘tuned out’, like a foreign language, because that is not what he wants to hear to confirm his wife’s love for him.

By understanding the different ways that people show love, each spouse can better appreciate the languages of love that his or her spouse speaks. Many people unknowingly speak more than one language of love – however, until the other partner learns to listen to and recognize that language, all of these beautiful expressions of love will be lost and evaporate into thin air.

In the online seminar, Halal Intimacy: Practical Steps To A Blissful Marriage, we will be discussing the different languages of love in more detail insha Allah.

Jazakum Allah khayr!
Yasir Qadhi


The language of love is not quite black and white...


Capt's Longhouse said...

dear all,

,,,the greatest happiness in the world is to love and be loved. Make your sponse, parents, bro. n sis. feel adored. When you love someone, you give yourself and make sacrifices and you want whatsoever is best for his/her growth and well being-lah.
,,,empower your loved ones constantly with compliments, encouragement and inspiration; yaa not forgeting pleasant surprises, unexpected gifts and plenty of flowers. Consistent help in their career and confort plus reassurance in times of hardship are indeed priceless !. Be a piller of support always too. Don't forget to be sensitive and considerate, give them time alone (like me on kapas hihihi) and help them regularly with whatever chores. Hubby should continue to court their wive until they are old and grey, with attention, tenderness, dates, outings and vacations-lah.
...indeed,love never fails !. trust me on that !!! just ask Jane, my island dog about it hihihi.

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Zen, I bet they went to this movie b4 that photo was taken in 'FilmStarr' Photo Studio in old town Malakkak....kakaka

Love is Many


P/S - Hey u got ur mum's look too :))

Zendra-Maria said...

hear hear Capt!

as the Malay saying goes "sayangkan isteri tinggal-tinggalkan"

and tabligh people on 40 days merantau says "balik macam pengantin baru" :)

Zendra-Maria said...

Tommy, where else does the gravy fall if not on the rice?

Happy weekend!

Uncle Lee said...

Hi Zendra, thats a very nice pic of your parents. I too have lots of these B/w old pics and only recently enhanced them back to its old glory using my computer's bag of tricks.

Really interesting read your posting re 'love'.
All I can say is, 'Love is a many splendoured thing'.
You have a great weekend, best regards, Lee.

Capt's Longhouse said...


,,,eerrmm ! those tabligh guys that i know of, normally has more than 1 wife or they will find one during their walkabout !. One of them ran off with my capt's longhouse money too 3 years back.... Geeez !. Just wait until I get my hands on him. Guess, he will get to know my love in black and white too then ? hehehe.

Red Alfa said...

Days and weeks I couldn't get to bypass Kazakhstan ISP blockade to bloggers, then ..

Thanks to my sweet, I finally able to write in.

A small measure of love being returned here!

Zendra-Maria said...

Dear Lee, your enhanced photos are really something. I would imagine you have really spent a lot of time on them just like any other object of your love? *winks*

I think all great lovers from all corners of the world think of love as a many splendoured thing indeed :)

Zendra-Maria said...

Capt, alamak that was one terbalik tabligh guy running off with your cash. Hope he didn't use it to "bina mesjid" - tak berkat especially when he is still on your WANTED list hehehe.

Zendra-Maria said...

RA, it HASN't even been a week yet - I know, I know time seems to drag without the daily fix *ahem,ahem*

Cat-in-Sydney said...

Aunty Zendra,
Totally unrelated question, I know. know...curiosity is the tardemark of a cat. What I want to know is, can zebras see all the seven colours of the rainbow or just black and white? purrrr....meow!

Anonymous said...

eerrmm !!

,,,siapa pulak di-tinggal tinggal kan hehehe...honeymoon balik nanti kat pulu kapas kot ?. hahaha

Zendra-Maria said...

Cat, zebra's stripes are only but to confuse your stalking relatives but vision is in splendid technicolour.... grrrunt!

Zendra-Maria said...

Sesekali kena bagi space kan Capt? barulah boleh saling rindu-merindui...

(I hear a retch ....who's retching?? hehe)

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Hi Zen & RA, what’s this daily fixes u guys r talking about? Tauchu & taochuo tofu or budu?...kekeke. If it’s budu then I should be the one retching, self induced by sticking finger in throat…..muahahaha.

Hey, how about this I’d dug up, the classic; ’Everlasting LOVE by The LOVE Affair in those black & white days too; (Just an Old fashioned love song)

Everlasting love


P/S - On the subject of language of love, what’s your take on bang Bung & Zizie. I meant the guy did sacrificed a lot of the love of his life, jailed lah, fine lah, ruin his career lah, blah, blah, blah. Is that true love? :))

Zendra-Maria said...

Tommy, not taucho nor whatever but TOUCHY-TOUCHY maa... ok here's the retch bag... hahaha

My take on B and Z? I guess for the moment they've each got what they need from the other?

Red Alfa said...

Yea Tommy

So you never got to know budu, huh?

The Thais call it fish sauce and didn't it capture the United States. There they go to Thai restaurants to get their fix of budu. Its the great discovery after tempe!

I brought to Kazakhstan some budu in the packet form as bound for stateside and no, they aren't the fix it appeared to you I was hankering for. Go to sakmongkol blog and you might just find out!

Red Alfa said...

Yo Capt.,

I like your idea to come to P. Kapas for I to lepas geram after Kazakhstan, you obliging! :-)

I would like very much early July. But work program here still too thick a fog that won't clear any time soon.

You know here they need to work summer months because they can't in the long sub-zero winter.

You get this market because they go to warm climates for holidays in winter.

Average Joe said...

alahai kak, love love ni buat sakit hati jer.

Tommy Yewfigure said...

Quote: “I guess for the moment they've each got what they need from the other?” (sic)

Wow that one liner of yours is so deep, no wonder u r ‘Da Zen Master’.

Hey RA, I’m not a fishy person….kekeke, so fermented fish is definitely out for me. Fish & seafood should be consumed fresh from the sea where u can still smell the ocean. On the other hand fish sauce is great on Mee Hoon soup unlike soya sauce, but make sure u gargle with Listerine afterward….hehehe.


P/S – I think we r all in the wrong job. Fancy Real Madrid paying RM50M a year managing a football club. That’s so blardy obscene if u ask me….jeles hoi!

Tommy Yewfigure said...

But then again of course, Jose Mourinho is 'Da Special One' :)))