Being here in Kazakhstan, we really need to know some Russian and/or Kazakh to get by. Alas, aside from perusing the cafe menu and making out the Russian words for rice, coffee, tea, burger, kebab, milk, halal etc, I have very little Russian vocabulary to even attempt a decent sentence. So there's no possibility of me getting into gaffes with Malaysian-Russian lah.
This email I received this morning illustrates such a likelihood if we are not into the nuances of a foreign language. Not that I read, write or speak English-English all that well, but this Punjabi-English really cracks me up. (No offence intended to any Begums or Khans).
ACTUAL LETTER TAKEN FROM THE TIMES OF INDIA.
RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ADVERTISEMENT' IN PUNJABI ENGLISH
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore.
Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.
My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do?
So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand.
If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.
I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Yours and only yours,
Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore, Punjab.
Oh my, that was a good guffaw I had.........